Here's to 2014

I'm actually really looking forward to the new year. I don't want to make any big, silly resolutions that I won't keep. So I'm going with simple. I want to read more, I want to be kinder to myself, I want to travel more, I want to work on my debt, I want to keep a gratitude journal. I feel like I have learned a lot about myself this year and I'm going to keep learning in the new year. I have started seeing a new counselor and I love the work she is having me do, I can see a difference after only 1 or 2 visits.
I'm also really excited for our cruise, we are going to New Orleans on Saturday and then getting on the ship on Sunday and will be cruising the eastern Caribbean for a week.  I'm taking a total of 7 work days off, I haven't ever taken that much time off at once so I'm really excited! I'm going to come back to work and have a new job, I'm taking the receptionist job which is much easier than the job I have now and doesn't require any brain power but I feel like I need a break for awhile. My supervisor told me I can be out there for however long I feel like, so if I get to bored I can always come back to a paralegal position. But it pays the same and you get better breaks and you don't have to deal with rude clients or rude attorneys...so I'm thinking I'm going to love it :) Anyhow that's it for now.

A little relief!

This is a really short post...I just wanted to write about the new doctor I saw today. I felt heard for the first time in over a year. It was SOOO nice! He changed up my meds a bit and said that he is mostly concerned with getting my anxiety under control, which is what I have been saying to my previous doctor for over a year. It was so great to have him validate that that is a priority!

I can't think of a title

  I think that blogging can be like therapy for me...I don't do it very often but I feel like I can just write whatever I'm feeling in the moment and I don't really have to worry about how someone else is going to feel about it. In the last little while I have gone and met with my doctor to get my medication switched up to see if that would help with my anxiety and depression. While at the doctor's office I pretty much cried the entire visit. She made me feel so stupid and like I'm some sort of drug seeker. She told me that she couldn't understand how I could be so depressed but not be suicidal. Uhh, thanks?!? Anyhow she winded up changing my medication but told me she was going to give me the smallest dose possible and that I would feel terrible for a couple of weeks and that she wanted me to come back in, in two weeks because the dose she gave me wasn't going to help. Because I have all of the time and money in the world to keep going back to see her every two weeks. So I have made an appointment to see another doctor. I'm just not willing to be treated that way, which I have found out means that my depression is a little better. :) I'm still not doing super great at work, I just can't seem to stay focused or even to care that I'm so behind. Which is not good! I'm hoping with a new doctor and getting the right medication on board that will change.
  I found out this week that my friend Molly from LA is moving to Utah really soon, she got a job at the University of Utah hospital as a nurse and we have been out looking for a place for her to live. I'm so excited for her to be here!
  Oh yeah, I'm also looking for a new therapist. I went to a counselor at LDS family services but I don't feel like it helped at all. I think I just need to suck it up and realize that I'm going to have to pay a co-pay to find someone who can help. I have also started to knit again and I'm going to start sewing a couple of dresses and skirts for Molly Jane and I for the cruise in January. Which thankfully I'm starting to feel less anxious about. I'm going to go and I'm not going to just sit in the cabin and I'm going to have a good time. I might need help getting the motivation but I will have two of my best friends with me and pretty much all of Molly's family and it is hard to stay in my room or be really depressed when I'm with all of them. I'm SO thankful that they all feel like my family and that they have welcomed me in with such open arms!

Life Lately

I feel like I write this same post over and over. I also feel like at almost 30 I should have this more figured out. I should have myself more figured out. I should also at this point like myself and also learn to not care if someone else doesn't. But for whatever reason I haven't gotten there yet. I have done therapy (didn't help), I have done depression meds (still not sure they are helping), I have prayed (over and over and over), gone to church, read my scriptures and still can't seem to figure this out. Does there come a point where magically you learn to love/like yourself. Where you don't look in the mirror every morning and tear apart everything you see? Where you learn to let other's thoughts roll off your back? I'm assuming that in order to become vulnerable and let someone else (read, husband/boyfriend, what have you) in that I'm going to have to reach that point. Any ideas? Also any ideas on how to stop sabotaging myself? I think I get so dang afraid of being what I envision as where I should be (body wise) that as soon as I start losing weight I start to eat like crap again and quit exercising. I just don't know how to stop the cycle. So any ideas on that as well?

Hadley's second birthday

Here are some pictures from Molly's niece, Hadley's second birthday party.

4th of July

Here are pictures from our 4th of July celebrations :)

Yellowstone

Miracle! I'm actually posting and there will be pictures :) I went to Yellowstone for my birthday with Molly and her family. We had so much fun and I had a ton of fun playing with my new dSLR camera. I'm in love with it and I'm pretty sure even the worst photographer could take decent pictures (talking about myself there). We were there for 4 days, the first day we got there kinda late and just had dinner, swam and played games, then the next day Molly, her mom, and I went shopping and to a bear conservatory and then the last two days we went into Yellowstone with everyone. I LOVED Yellowstone! Anyhow....here are some pictures :)